There's a song on the Mountain Goats' "The Coroner's Gambit" that goes something like, "your house is ugly / your house is depressing..." I should probably do some design work on this site. I mean, I like the template just fine, but I haven't had time to pretty things up. So this was, in addition to an excuse, a warning to you all that the visual presentation of this site is not due to aesthetic indifference but rather a lack of temporal wherewithal. Expect Snazzity Anon.
Anyway, had a conversation with SB the other night to the effect of, "everybody fights with you, Alastair ... must be your fault." And I wish I'd told her that it felt a little bit like she was telling me, "of course he was fresh with you: you looked like that kind of girl." Anyway, esprit de l'escalier and all that.
But it was striking: I, in fact, do come into conflict with a lot of people. And I wonder how that relates to the kind of person I am. It has at least a quarter to do with the ways in which I'm uncompromising. That'll bring in fans, you betcha. But lots of people also consider this a feature--not that I'm dogmatic, but that I won't settle for a half-assed job of something or other.
It all had to do with a moment of tension I had on Thursday with EN, where it seemed like she was taking out a lot of the frustrations she's been feeling about our social group out on me. I'll admit I've been participating in the mindgames our flesh is heir to. And that night I was holding my cards particularly close. I'd felt excluded from her new, special, rock-star life, and she seemed to be, once again, expecting me to drop everything in my life to prioritize her. The fact is, I did want to make time with her a priority, but not as much as I didn't want to cancel another date to watch a movie. Moreover, and I think this is the poison in the cup, I did realize EN was going to dislike this course of events, and I did it anyway "to prove a point".
There's the rub. If I'd done this with na�vt�, I could live with my sense of righteous indignation. But as it is, I'm not happy feeling in the right, I can't claim ethical purity, when part of my motivation not to spend time with her that night was bitter and circumstantially weighted.
EN and I communicate effectively, though. So this morning on the front porch we had a really clear conversation unpacking some of the misprisions that phones and tiredness and poor phrasing can give birth to. Grudges were shaken off, stuff is on the mend. Thank god.
So I'm happy, but what does it mean that one of the most magical people I know has nevertheless (and this is overstating for dramatic effect) damned me to a life of conflict with my friends? That is, whether or not I "am" contentious, the idea that other people think I am will probably breed contention. Certain human behaviors are provoked because the non-agent party wants them -- you know what I mean, like seduction or passive-aggression. O, ye gods! I wish I hadn't put seduction and passive-aggression in the same phrase. There such similar behaviours: both depending on teensy, subtle steps completely invisible to all but the wariest outsiders. They also require complete complicity.
Numi! I will probably have to go and untangle these thoughts in the bath and write another entry about them.
love,
a